This past year was so good to me in so many ways!
I mean, within the first 3 months of 2019 I went on a vacation to New York, floor tickets to the Cardi B concert at the rodeo, Ohhh and cant forget riding around in the pink hummer limo of my dreamssss (*sobbing*)
Although that and so many other amazing things happened, I know it will sound a little corny to say this but above all, without a doubt the BEST thing that could’ve happened was my personal inner growth.
I feel like 2019 and even the years prior have put my mind and focus right where It needed to be for 2020! If you’ve followed me on my broadcast, social media or just been around me, then you’ve probably seen some purty drastic changes i’ve made in my life within the past year.
I don’t want to sound too dramatic but I feel like I’m finally my true self again. You may be asking wtf does she mean? lol. SO, what I mean is I feel like I had gone into this “mode” or idk what you want to call it but I had been doing so much that didn’t align to my true self that I was seriously just exhausted of everything. If you even talked to me a little you probably saw parts of this in me. I was half-assing everything just trying to make it by and doubting all of my efforts at the same time.
I just felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere and was so confused with what it was I wanted. It was one of those moments when your sitting there and just think like wtf am I doing!? lol. I just felt like I lost myself for so long.
On my instagram and broadcasts, I kept telling myself I wouldn’t be successful because I wasn’t like some of the other influencers. I got to a point where I would not post many pictures because I had this crazy ocd type thing about my pictures not looking perfect, or with the right outfit or a nice filter. Broadcasting would get so intimidating to me because I don’t dance on my broadcasts like some girls or I wasn’t on as much as others. I would see the other hosts be so dedicated spending hours at a time online that I would seriously get mad at myself for being tired and not having more time to broadcast. All that kept replaying in my mind was, I cant do this if I am the way I am, I’m too boring.
I couldn’t say no to work because I just felt like if I’m not available then I lose my worth and I wont be as good. I was drinking even when I knew I didn’t care to whatsoever. Saying no to things that didn’t align was such a challenge to me because, come to find out I’m somewhat of a people pleaser. I thought If I don’t do certain things, act a certain way, and do everything… people just wouldn’t like me.
It’s hard to just wake up and say Okay, I’m going to be a better version of myself now. I had to really focus and give myself a lot of time. I stopped going to many events, went into hiding, cried a few times and worked on myself for monthsss. Therapist, life coach, reading, writing, anythinggg that I felt could help me find my true self again and feel happy with myself and my actions. I knew I wanted to do more with my life and that wasn’t going to happen unless I made some changes. I reflected a lot with how I was before, and I mean like long long ago original me back in middle school.
It was little things I remembered like how I loved reading and nature. Volunteering. Projects, documentaries, planning, business and learning random things.
It took a while y’all. Even posting this was a bit difficult and I was very hesitant. I just felt like there HAS to be people out there that have gone through the same or currently are that need a little push to find themselves again like I did. You get wrapped up with becoming what you’re surrounded by and sometimes thats not the real you.
I look back at myself sometimes and think Damn girl, why did it take you so long BUT everything happens for a reason.
What inspired me to post this?
I have to give a wholeeee lot of credit to my life coach Justine (JustineSteel.com), my loyal followers on my broadcasts and few other close peeps who all probably saw me at one point or another with tears in my eyes and supported me through all the changes and obstacles in 2019. Justine really pushed me to find what it was that I wanted and what to do about it. My broadcast friends and supporters honestly just showed SO much love to me for just being me. I’d talk on my broadcast a lot and vent about everything I was feeling and they pushed me to just be my true self and reassured those that matter would still love me for just being me even If I’m a little dorky, nerdy or whatever you want to call it.
This isn’t to say the stage of growth is over. It’s just to state that this past year there was a lot of growth and I am so open to talking about it with others and look forward to seeing myself and others evolve into their best self. Okay i’ll stop being all mushy now lol! love yall and thanks for taking the time to read this. 🙂